Fade Affect Bias: The Seduction of the Bad Old Days
“Nostalgia is just memory with the pain removed”
Have you ever seen a romantic relationship play out along these lines?
One person is kept small, emotionally drained, abused, or made to feel like they are broken. Slowly, they become aware of the pain they are enduring and separate themselves from the other person.
With time and a distance from the ex, they gain perspective and see the benefits of not having the other person around. They begin to enjoy life and feel better about the world.
Over time, however, they begin to have fond feelings about the old relationship— romanticizing it. They start thinking they are now better equipped to deal with their ex; that maybe said ex wasn’t as bad as they thought.
Perhaps a post gets liked, or a text gets sent because of these deluded memories.
The slope becomes quite slippery as they start sliding into their ex’s DMs. It may not be long before they reunite and start the cycle again.
The terrible feelings that initially arise from negative situations slowly fade as our minds associate more and more with the few joyous moments that occurred.
This psychological phenomenon is known as fade affect bias (FAB). It is a positive coping strategy that allows us to maintain an elevated self-view. It’s like our mind is saying, “just look on the bright side.”
Having the negative emotions associated with a memory fade over time is beneficial to our mental well-being; however, it can become detrimental in conjunction with maladaptive behaviors and habits.
Take alcohol, for instance.
“The longer we do without it, the more benign or less dreadful is our memory of being in its grip.”
FAB does not alter our memories; it alters our feelings about those memories. For the drinker, the negative emotions of hangovers, fights, and sexual trysts begin to warp, to fade. They forget the pain they put themselves and others through.
After a long period of abstinence, their bodies and minds begin to feel better. They may think they have control over alcohol now. They may start romanticizing their boozy bad times with a fondness.
The drinker forgets how much suffering was caused and latches onto the few fleeting moments of joy they felt. Much like the example with the ex, the fading of the pain and misery can bring them right back into the arms of the toxic partner.
That’s how powerful fade affect bias can be.
Maybe those times you had with alcohol were exactly as good as you remember. Maybe after a long period of abstinence, you are absolutely in control of your drinking; if that’s the case, I commend you, good sir or madam.
I’m not here to tell you that you are right or wrong. Only you can say that with any certainty.
I would ask you, though, to consider whether it is the nostalgic lens of fade affect bias through which you are looking?
P.S.
I know how it feels to even think about reaching out to someone. It doesn’t mean you are weak or broken. It shows you dare to change your own life.
I am happy to coach you on this topic, and I have spots open. You can schedule a free and completely confidential call by clicking here.
There is no obligation in this call. We will discuss where you are, where you would like to be, and if you think working with me would be a good fit. I look forward to hearing from you.
P.P.S.
If you would like to get in touch with yourself and see the world through a different lens, try my free seven-day journal course, Get Your Bearings. It is something that I am very proud to share with you, and I would love to know what you think about it.
