How Friendships Change When You Quit Drinking: Your Friend’s POV
Many of our friendships are held together by more than just the bond of alcohol. We have cultivated these relationships for years, and they carry deep meaning for us. Sometimes the hard pivot of going alcohol-free can cause disruption even in our most solid relationships. This might not always be the case, but it is good to be aware of the possibility.
This week we will look through the eyes of our friends and explore what they might be thinking and feeling. From this vantage point, we can empathize with what is coming up for them and compassionately address those issues if need be. We will start with two different analogies to help us gain perspective.
The Mirror
They may need some time to work through this new shake-up to their familiar and comfortable story.
When we decide to quit drinking, we inadvertently hold up a mirror to our friends. Discomfort can arise when they see their reflection in that mirror. They may already have a nagging voice in their head telling them to get their shit together or cut back on the booze. Our actions have now amplified that voice. Through no fault of our own, we have now reflected light into their darkness that they may not be ready to view.
The Movie
We all tend to see ourselves as the writer, director, and star of our own movies. We have scripts written for every person in our lives, whether lead characters or extras. When we quit drinking, we flip the script and change the role that our friends had written for us. As the director of their own movie, our friends may not like this bit of improvisation on our part. This can cause some drama on set.
The Meaning
You are striking at the story—unintentionally— that your friends tell themselves about who you are and who they are. They might think that you will become self-righteous or holier-than-thou. They might think, “Well, if you say you have a problem, then you are saying I have a problem.” They might think that they will lose you, that you won’t be around anymore. Looking from their point of view, we can see how these thoughts and emotions could easily arise.
I was that insecure, confused, self-questioning friend. When someone in my life would quit or cut back on drinking, I was sure that they were lost to me. That nagging voice telling me to shape up would get louder when I saw myself in their mirror. Through no fault of theirs, my self-image became one of inferiority: they we getting it together, and I wasn’t. All these thoughts and emotions were in my mind— they were valid, but they weren’t the truth of reality.
The Mending
Producing negative feelings in your friends or loved ones is not your intention, of course. If you do encounter those reactions, don’t take it personally. Instead, see it as an opportunity to connect with them on a deeper level. Engage in conversation from a place of compassion, reassurance, and tenderness.
Let them know that you appreciate them for who they are. Let them know that this is a journey in which you wish them to play a part. Reassure them that you will be there for them in the same way that you would like them to be there for you. Do these things when you are comfortable and ready to.
Most of your friends won’t be affected in the least bit and will, in fact, be very encouraging. Many of your friendships will gain even more depth and intimacy mainly because you will be fully present at each interaction rather than being distracted by alcohol. This will open the door for more meaningful relationships.
Looking Ahead
Next week, we will get more into your responsibilities to yourself and your friends. Knowing the parameters of your responsibilities will help keep your journey focused. I look forward to discussing it with you.
