How Friendships Change When You Quit Drinking: The Basics
Without a doubt going alcohol-free takes us on a challenging journey and alters our inner landscape. On top of that, it also changes our outward surroundings among our social groups.
Throughout this month, I will address how friendships alter when we quit drinking. I will cover a different aspect of this topic each week. Today, we will lay the groundwork for this four-part series, starting with some basics: genetic hardwiring, societal stigmas, and the first friend groups to fall away.
Genetic Hardwiring
The need for belonging and the anxiety of banishment are perfectly natural. Explore those feelings with curiosity.
We are social animals genetically hardwired to belong to the tribe. For most of human history, exile from that tribe meant death. Alone we are weak, soft, slow creatures—easily picked off by predators and the elements. We thrive by cohesion and cooperation within a larger community.
Our decision to quit drinking can cause disruptive feelings within some friend groups and we don’t want to feel excluded or cast out because of our choice. Most of us in modern culture do not face such terror as true exile anymore, but it is still deeply embedded in our genetic coding. It’s no surprise that the thought of losing friends creates strong emotions in us when viewed with this lens of evolutionary psychology.
Societal Stigma
Understanding our collective beliefs around alcohol can help change stigmas about those who choose an alcohol-free life. Alcohol gets treated differently from other addictive substances: it is separated from the conversation with other harmful drugs. Just think of the fact that we use the term “drugs and alcohol.”
In our culture, where an overwhelming majority drinks, those who choose not to can stand out.
The toxic and highly addictive nature of alcohol is rarely discussed. In fact, alcohol is the only drug we have to justify not using. What’s more, those who decide to quit drinking can be labeled as weak-willed, irresponsible, powerless. Judgment and blame get placed on the individual rather than the addictive chemical.
Contrast that to cigarettes. We congratulate and empathize with anyone who throws away the cancer sticks. We are all aware of their harmful and addictive properties. People quitting smoking are empowered, taking control of addiction. Why not normalize that same understanding and empowerment around alcohol?
First to Go
Things will change in your life because of this empowering decision to quit drinking. Yes, you will lose some “friends” along the way. But, those to exit your orbit first won’t share much in common with you other than booze. For instance, the fellas you see at your local bar day in and day out but don’t actually know.
These are misery-loves-company, superficial relationships. The only thing that is being shared is the burden of alcohol, using one another as a reason to justify continued drinking. These types of associations tend to fall away naturally.
A perfect example of that guy at the bar you don’t really know and from whom you will drift away.
There needn’t be any hard feelings however as you have simply chosen another path: one that is diverging from theirs. Think of relationships in your life that have grown apart regardless of alcohol. Think of how many of your relationships have separated without any ill-will at all. With that in mind, you can see the ebb and flow of people in your life as an ever-changing natural cycle.
A Look Ahead
Next week we will dive a little deeper into those groups of friends whose connections go beyond alcohol. The ones that carry more weight, the ones where our biological hardwiring and cultural conditioning come to bear. Thank you for your time and attention, and I look forward to continuing this series with you.
