How Friendships Change When You Quit Drinking: Your Responsibilities
Going on the alcohol-free journey brings certain responsibilities to yourself and your friend groups. Understanding what these are can release some of the weight. Let’s explore what is and what ain’t your responsibility.
What Ain’t Your Responsibility
Last week I wrote about how looking through your friend’s eyes helps to understand the thoughts and emotions that arise when they see you making changes. While it is advantageous to understand their thought processes and reactions, you are not responsible for them.
“If your friends aren’t being supportive, realize it’s probably out of fear...When people question their drinking , they might actually be wondering, ‘Am I an Alcoholic?’ And the implications of that seem horrific”
You can’t control how other people react. You are not responsible if they feel threatened by your newfound path. You are not responsible for the reflection they see in the mirror or any moments of uncomfortable introspection they might have; however, if you value their friendship and wish it to grow deeper, you might want to take responsibility for initiating those conversations.
Don’t preach. Your friends know that alcohol is harmful. They don’t want to be talked at.
You are not responsible for proclaiming or proselytizing the good news of living life without alcohol. For many of us, we feel better mentally, spiritually, physically, and we want to shout it from the rooftops. Unless they genuinely want to hear your story, don’t offer unsolicited advice and revelations to your friends.
It is not your responsibility to judge those who continue to drink.
In the world of long-distance hiking, there is a saying: “Hike your own hike.” On the Appalachian Trail, there are purists, slack packers, blue blazers, yellow blazers, and road walkers. There are many ways to hike the trail, and how another gets from Georgia to Maine is no one else’s concern.
“Hike your own hike” means to focus on yourself, to keep putting one foot in front of the other because the journey is hard enough without judging how others get there.
This is your own personal journey. Keep it about you. Focus on your next step forward.
What Is Your Responsibility
Your responsibility, first and foremost, is to yourself. You are on a challenging and exciting adventure in which you are figuring out who you are without alcohol. You will face ideas, emotions, and entities within yourself that you have repressed. It will take time to rediscover who you are.
You are gaining power over your subconscious urges instead of them having power over you, and “with great power comes great responsibility.”
Before, the urges were unnoticed, and you didn’t understand how they controlled you. Now, you are doing the work and educating yourself. You are reclaiming power over and becoming responsible for your thoughts, feelings, urges, and actions around alcohol.
It will be your responsibility to get rid of things that no longer serve you as you get to this point. That can be many things like people, places, and habits. For instance, if you feel like you can’t handle having alcohol in your house, give it away or toss it in a dumpster. If you feel you are not ready to hang out at a bar, don’t go; chill at home with a cup o’ tea and a good book.
Take time for solitude and introspection.
You might have to be reclusive for a time as you work on yourself. Don’t feel ashamed if you think this is necessary. Take responsibility for it and get yourself to a place where you no longer feel weird talking to friends and family about being alcohol-free.
Once you are at that point of self-assurance and comfort, re-enter those relationships—if you choose to— as a new and stronger you. You will have a much better connection to those beautiful people in your life by doing so.
Looking Ahead
Next week we will dive into some of the new possibilities and benefits that can emerge within our friend and family group.
