10 Tips for the Socially Anxious to Navigate Parties: Part 2
Welcome back to the second part of this blog post! For the past two weeks we have gone over some tips and techniques to navigate gatherings and parties. My main area of focus is helping people become alcohol free and that is where I direct a lot of my attention. As I mentioned last week, however, I also have a touch of social anxiety. So, I think these same tactics are relevant whether you are trying to go alcohol free or not.
For this last article I want to pick up where we left off from last week and lay out 5 more tactics for you if big gatherings just aren’t your thing. Last week we touched on getting your mindset right before you got to the event. Today our focus will be on tactics to employee once you have arrived at the event. Once you are out of the stands and onto the field, so to speak.
Without further ado…
6) A Simulating Situation.
Enjoy the game. See it as an opportunity to level up!
Take this opportunity to look at the situation as an exercise designed specifically for you. It’s like you are on the holodeck of the Federation Starship: Enterprise and you are choosing the program to run. Yep, nerd alert, and proud of it!
I knew attending this event was going to get me out of my normal comfort zone. I was looking at going into it as an opportunity to learn about myself and level up, much like one might do in a game or simulation.
Think of it this way: you have voluntarily put yourself in a situation that will be uncomfortable but will ultimately help build resilience and mental strength. This is a chance to observe how your entire system reacts in this situation. You can become an observer and watch your thinking, your movements, posture, notice any habitual or repetitive movements that you be making.
When I was at the event I kept going back to the silent auction items even after I had looked at them because I was feeling awkward and out of place. My thought process was that these actions gave me something to do or made me appear to have a purpose. I had to casually observe my own behavior and say to myself that this is what I was doing. I was witnessing my own actions and thoughts in real time and making adjustments without being hard on myself.
7) Gentle Reminder.
One thing I find very effective not only at a social gathering but in your day-to-day life is setting an alarm. You can use your phone as a reminder to have a quick check-in. Set you alarm for every half-hour or hour while you are at the event just to see how you are getting along. Use that moment to check on things like you breath, posture, feelings, and thoughts.
Some things to ask yourself would be: Is my breathing shallow or deep? Have my thoughts been negative, positive, or repeating? How does my body feel? Where am I tense?
A quick scan will help me become aware of all these things. I get to see if any of these issues are valid and if they are serving me in a positive manner. If not, then I can loosen up a little. I might have to remind myself to breath deep and slow. I might want to focus on my posture and release the tension that, for me, is usually in my jaws, neck and shoulders.
Which brings us to our next tip…
8)How You Carry Yourself.
If you had parents and grandparents like I did, then you were probably told to sit up straight with your shoulders back! So, I am going to suggest the same to you. Be aware of your posture and how you are moving through the space. How you hold yourself up can have an effect on your mental attitude. Here is a link to an interesting article on this subject.
Consider some of these questions as you check in on yourself. Are you hunched over in a protective position, shoulders slouched, arms folded? Are you talking softly? Again, this is about bringing a conscious awareness to your present moment. This isn’t a time to criticize yourself but to gently and without judgment notice and correct.
The Treat (foreground), myself, and Waka-Waka in Maine
For much of my life I have tended to make myself small, to stay out of the way, and to not be heard. I had a great friend of mine I met hiking the Appalachian Trail. His trail name was The Treat. Now, I am a bigger fellow, but The Treat stood 6’8’’ and weighed 300 pounds- apologies to all you metric minded folks. He is a big man with a big, vivacious personality; a true joy to be around. One night as we were partying at yet another bar in yet another trail town, he helped switch my thinking. Treat told me “You are a big guy! Be Big!” He meant be big not only in stature but also in voice, mindset, and overall personality. It made a lasting impact on me because all these years later I still think about that and employee that philosophy.
You might be saying that you are a physically small person. Maybe you naturally have a quiet voice. That might be true, yet you can take control of the way you perceive yourself and talk to yourself. You can change your mindset and develop a commanding presence. One way to do that is practice some power poses. Another way is to picture your energetic field expanding to encompass the space you are in. As woo-woo as that sounds, I do it a lot and I find it helps realize that I am more than just my physical body, that the wonder that is me does not just stop at the boundary of my skin.
9) Chit Chat.
You can find kindred spirits in the weirdest places.
Here we go, the dreaded small talk. You might be like me and find small talk very boring, but it can also be an effective means of finding your tribe of likeminded oddballs. So here are a couple of ways I like to go about talking with folks at a big social gathering.
First, we have the guerilla-style, quick conversations that don’t last very long. I find this works well in a very big group as you can talk to a lot more people, work the room, and get your reps in. You don’t have to bother with trying to drag out more conversation if either of you is losing interest or if the conversation is naturally winding down. In this style you can have a few good laughs make a couple of interesting points and then gracefully exit the conversation. If you have ever been a server, bartender, or the like then you are probably good at this already. I bet you can deftly move through crowds and chat it up with folks in an effective manner
The long form conversation is another one that you will have. Let’s say you do get into some banter that is mutually interesting. Maybe you have found a kindred spirit, someone who has some of the same niche interest that you do. This is obviously a great boon for you in that you can potentially develop a good friendship and realize there are other weirdos out there like yourself, which is a fun bit of validation.
The night of my soiree I was a bit rusty in getting my conversations going, but it did naturally come up. From there, with a bit of questions and stories, the conversations kept progressing and going deeper. It’s amazing how a few well-placed questions and genuine curiosity about your fellow party goers can produce intellectual and spiritual stimulation. Look at it like everyone is interesting and everyone has a story that you can get them talking about.
10) Sit Back and Enjoy the Show.
Sometimes you just got to chill out and take it all in.
You might find yourself alone in the corner going back to your default setting. It’s ok to revert to that introverted self if you want and to take a break if need be. Instead of scrolling through your phone, use that time for some deep introspection. No need to let an opportunity for present moment awareness pass you by, right?! Use the moment to check in with yourself in real time. See what stories you have been telling yourself all night. Who knows, you might find that you are actually having a good time!
At the event I attended, there was a live auction with a lot of high-end items being bid on. Other than going to cattle auctions when I was a kid, I had not ever witnessed something like that. I used that bit of down time to observe how I was getting along, but I also took the time to observe everyone else. In doing so, I naturally got into the spirit and energy of the room which was a hoot. It turned out to be a lot of fun just watching and being a part of a new experience!
To All a Good Night.
I want to thank you for your time and interest in these writings. I feel that time is our most precious resource since it cannot be renewed. The fact that you are dedicating some of your time to these articles is appreciated. I hope they have given you a little more insight for navigating these social scenes as someone going alcohol free and/or as someone who hates large gatherings.
I wish you all the best in your holiday season with those you care about. I hope you enjoy this time and remember to be playfully curious and compassionate with yourself. Happy Holidays and to all a good night!
P.S.
If you would like help in navigating these situations or just want to talk about things, please reach out to me. I know that can be a difficult and uncomfortable step and I assure you I am here to hold a space free of judgment and shame so that you can explore and expand who you are. Here is a link to schedule a call if you would like. It is free and completely confidential. I wish you all the best on your journey!
