The Tale of Ol’ Cole: Part 1

Intro:

Hang on to your seats, grab some coffee, and get your reading pants on because we have a story on our hands! This is my tale, thus far, of the journey I have been on for the past two years. I bring this to you in the hope that it may help you wherever you currently are on your path. I believe that in sharing what I have been through you will see some similarities with your own story and realize that you can find your own meaning in life.

For this multi-part blog post, I would like to share a little about who I was, where I am now, and the ups and downs that lay in between those two places. In the first part of this three-part series (Three parts?! Really?!) I would like to give you an idea of where I had found myself, where I desired to be and the things that I had tried but failed at early on. Fret not because I won’t leave you waiting long for part 2. Thank you for joining me as we go along on this journey.  Let’s get started, shall we?

Where I Was:

For a big part of my 20s and 30s, I was adrift and rudderless, completely at the mercy of life’s waves. I would move from place to place but I would find very few true connections. I would make a superficial connection with some people but almost every time alcohol was involved. Alcohol was the substance that loomed large in my life. It held me back from my purpose and obscured any meaning that might have shown through.  I was in a depressed state because I found nothing that gave me a deeper meaning to my life. I was lost in a grey fog bound by a hellish prison of my own making. I was in the worst shape of my life physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.  I was full of booze, self-loathing, and self-doubt.  Those three things are never a good combo.

In my late twenties I just ran from myself and used booze as a coping mechanism for being without purpose.

Where I wanted to be:

There was a very different life that I was called to and even through the haze of alcohol I somehow managed a glimpse of where I wanted to be. I wanted to be a non-drinker, whatever that looked like. I desired to lose weight and get in some sort of shape.  I wanted to be physically attractive to women. That might seem shallow, but it was a big motivator for me. I also wanted to have money in the bank and meaningful work.  I looked at successful people who loved what they did, who contributed to the world, and whose job was the reason they woke up every morning bright-eyed and bushy tailed and I wanted that for myself. 

I always knew that I was being called to something greater than where I had found myself. I wanted to have a life of meaning, a life of purpose that got me out of bed every day bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Mostly, I just wanted to feel!  Alcohol had kept me from feeling anything at all for a long time. It was the warden of my self-made prison and apathy was the stones that lined my cell.  I had lost that feeling of aliveness and I wanted it back! The desire that was at the forefront of it all was wanting to be free of alcohol and the control it had in my life.

False Starts and Failed Attempts:

I had attempted to quit drinking in the past, or at least to moderate, but there was never any true change. I would try a 30-day challenge here and there. Sometimes I would make it and many times I would get to around day 12 and start right back in my old habits. No matter if I made it or not, nothing much really changed because I would immediately go back to drinking. You know, as a reward for a job well done!

Willpower was my main tool in trying to quit drinking.  I found out that is a very finite resource and one that drops quickly with constant use. It was like going to the gym two hours a day, every day for two weeks and only doing heavy sets of curls the entire time. My willpower wore out fast.

Other things I tried in my attempts to quit were shame and self-criticizing. I would have an internal monologue almost constantly of how weak and lacking in discipline I was. I would berate myself for not having any willpower or no direction for my life. My idea that this form of “motivation” would be effective was backed by a lot of cultural conditioning, but I never stopped to think how many times in my life this had truly worked to cause lasting change.

What really bothered me was not even knowing how to find my own unique gift that I was here to give the world. I had listened to so many podcasts, read so many books, but nothing was able to pull me out of the darkness in which I had found myself. The lack of meaning, the not knowing how to change, and the shame I felt because of that allowed for alcohol to pour in as a coping mechanism.

End of the Beginning:

Listen, I know that this opening section is not exactly uplifting, but I know that there is someone reading this who is in this exact spot right now.  This is for you especially, because I want you to know that you are not alone in your torment.  I have been through the same thing. Others, who you may or may not know, are going through the same thing. Understand that you are worthy and deserving of change and that it awaits you if you want to begin the journey. I invite you along for part 2 of this story as I tell you about my call to transform, the obstacles I had to get through, and the guides I found along the way who inspired me.