Roadrunner, Anthony Bourdain, and Seeking Help

“[When I die], I will decidedly not be regretting missed opportunities for a good time. My regrets will be more along the lines of a sad list of people hurt, people let down, assets wasted and advantages squandered.” - Bourdain. Photo: Laurie Woolever

Recently I watched the new documentary Roadrunner: A Film About Anthony Bourdain. It made me sad.  I mean, I pretty much figured that I wouldn’t be all bright eyed and cheery after watching it.  I knew that it would bring up feelings that aren’t the greatest to sit with, yet I know that those feelings are something that needs to be acknowledged and explored, nonetheless.

You should know that Anthony Bourdain meant a lot to me. I know that I am not the only person who was affected by his shows, books, life, and death. However, his influence in my life was by far more than any other “celebrity” had and greater than a lot of people that I actually know in my own life.  He had a great way of telling stories and giving a different perspective of the world. As he said himself, “I love having my teeth kicked in by a different perspective.” He was able to use his reach and his platform to bring vastly different cultures and places into our orbit and show us the commonalities we all share.

I feel like I see a lot of myself in him. He resonated with me so much, so early, and at a crucial time in my life. He helped steer my life toward what it was for so long. In him, I felt like I had found a male influence that was worthy. Someone who could open me up to a different life and a different way of being. And he did. For many years most of my actions were almost an homage to him, like seeking the approval of an uncle or father figure, someone I could emulate and wanted to be like.

The documentary revealed more of him that, I think, deep down, I already knew. I understood and resonated with his pain and frustration toward some idealized version of the world that he sought but could never be attained. As was stated in the movie, this will set one up for huge disappointment. I have no idea really, so I can only speculate that he maybe was at a very crucial point in his life, still growing, still learning, still trying to figure things out. Perhaps he was dealing with his life in a way that he wasn’t prepared for or had no previous map for. That can confuse and frustrate a lot of people, even the best of us. In the end, it seems that he had a lapse in judgement and that allowed for the darker, baser parts of himself to win out and it cost him everything.

I was really distraught when I found out about his suicide.  For me personally, that day will be remembered as much as 9/11. I woke up to a text from my brother saying Bourdain had killed himself. I was in a state of shock and numbed out for a good two days after that. No celebrity death has ever made me feel much at all. For being someone whom I have never even come close to meeting, I was more devastated about his death than I have been for some folks I have known.  I cried about it.

Bourdain meant a lot to me and had a huge influence on my life and how I see the world. Bourdain was my hero then, and still is in many ways.  I don’t fault him for taking his own life. I have known a few friends close to me that have done the same thing. Does it suck for those left behind? Of course it does and you can bet your ass I wish they were still here.  But I am not angry at them for what they did nor do I say things like “they took the easy way out.” What good does that do?

Just because someone seems to “have it all” or appears to be “living the good life” doesn’t mean they are not dealing with tremendous pain.

I think it is important for me to acknowledge that there is a part of me that not only welcomes sadness and pain but also enjoys being enveloped amongst it. Is that realization scary or enticing? That is something that deserves a look with a playful curiosity and brutal honesty. Is it objectively disconcerting to never be rid of the sadness and pain and to, in fact, enjoy it to some extent? Perhaps that is just another lovely piece of the human experience, something we signed up for before we arrived here.

After watching the documentary, I feel even closer to Tony.  I feel like I have a better understanding of him.  This seems to allow me to make a little more sense of him through the lens of my own story. I think he felt tremendous pain, guilt, and helplessness. I bet he felt alone, and misunderstood. None of those feelings and thoughts are fun to deal with all at once. They can be especially difficult if one doesn’t have the proper tools or tactics to deal with such heavy and profound emotions. But that is usually how they show up in our lives, ain’t it? In a big, tangled knot that is difficult to unravel.

I think it is important to recognize that these same types of feelings exist within myself, and I am willing to bet they are within you as well. If you don’t think so, then consider getting out your shovel and start digging deep into your own psyche to see what lies within. When you find those dark feelings and thoughts, express them. Talk to someone about them and don’t feel embarrassed about how you may be feeling. It helps to start a healing process by talking because just shoving them down will only cause them to fester and grow.

It is very important to me that you know that you are a good individual worthy of Love. If you find yourself stuck in a dark place where you feel hopeless and misunderstood, know that you are not alone and that what you have to say about your feelings and thoughts is very important. There are many people in your life that genuinely care for you and want to know how you feel.  I know that there can be a stigma to talking about these sorts of dark thoughts, that you might think your pain doesn’t matter or doesn’t compare to the suffering of another. That’s not true, because you matter. You matter to others, and you matter to this world because you have something to offer to us all. Always feel free to contact me or to reach out to any friend or loved one. Much Love to you!